My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Love this one 😂🧟
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.