12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Print is alive and well!!!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes