I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
prepare for carbonated trouble
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.