not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
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My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen