Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
They’re really bad with fonts.
Tastes like chicken.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.