Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy