If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.