*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it