Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
WTF
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen