WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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having children is a pyramid scheme.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The sacred texts.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”