If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.