*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Try and stop me.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Its true…
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.