Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
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My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I hope this email finds you in a well
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’m giving up ice.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Clients after you give them your rates
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!