My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?