Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?