“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Left at a local drug store…
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?