you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage