Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY