ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The three genders.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?