I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Meeeee too!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler