Poetry is my passion
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Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”