Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
That’s incredible! 👌
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake