You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.