*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼