My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.