Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”