i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.