Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
cats when you pet them too long:
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine