CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him