Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”