[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Safety first
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities