– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
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I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.