My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
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*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.