ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Woke up against my better judgment again
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga