me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
You Might Also Like
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Name another movie that mislead you?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.