Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.