winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Very problematic
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea