“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
⛄️
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb