I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Krampus.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.