“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day