Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry