Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Wait a minute
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Yup!
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.