6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
How times have changed.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why