If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”