[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Clients after you give them your rates
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.