If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
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What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
pls suprot
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.