Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
You Might Also Like
Lunatics are gonna loon.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart