[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You Might Also Like
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED