The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room