Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.